deadly skinny jeans

Over the years: death by women’s fashions

A story on NPR yesterday warned about the health hazards of skinny jeans. You and your sexy, denimed legs are bad for your body parts, ladies! (Or men, if that’s your preference.)

After reading this article, I, of course, followed the logical path and started looking up other dangerous, deadly women’s fashions from our lovely history. And now, I shall share it with you. Lucky!

crinolineOnce upon a time, women wore the amazing crinoline so that their petticoats could sweep the entire kitchen floor in one twirl. Except, they should stay out of the kitchen wearing that thing because they would die since it was so flammable. In England, about 3,000 women were killed in crinoline-related fires within a decade in the 1900s.

corsetAnd what about the corset, you ask? Listen, people. Wide ribs just ain’t dainty and if you can’t pull off dainty, you ugly. Cramming your organs inwards must have been delightful, especially when it caused internal bleeding. Now THAT would attract the gentlemen suitors! One woman, in 1903, died when pieces of her corset steal became lodged in her heart. She was stabbed to death by her desire to be beautiful.

footbindingWhat else? Those extremely large feet of yours! So ugly. Bind those feet. For hundreds and hundreds of years (and I am NOT exaggerating the length of time, friends), Chinese women bound their feet to be tinier than cankles. If Dominic were a daughter, he would already have his foot bound by now because they started with two-year olds. Keep those toddler feet tiny. Fashion demands it. Bring on the gangrene and death by footwear.

fontangeThe French were all about one particular, deadly fashion: the fontange. The headdress was just too damn large. Mix in candle chandeliers and a soiree? Lethal. These, too, were made of very flammable materials. High fashion prefers things that light up easily, it seems.

leadmakeupLast, let’s finish this up with some lead makeup. Want to look whiter? Powder up with some easy, breezy, beautiful lead! Symptoms of lead poisoning: brain damage, nervous system wreckage, headaches, loss of appetite, anemia, paralysis, insomnia, a limp wrist (odd), and death. The fashion police are evil.

So what are they saying about skinny jeans, then? Are you going to die?

Warning: don’t squat.

According to the dangers-of-skinny-jeans report, “The wearing of ‘skinny’ jeans had likely potentiated the tibial neuropathies by causing a compartment syndrome as the lower leg swelled.”

Meaning? Nerve damage, swelling, muscle damage, or even amputation.

You look good in your skinny jeans, girl!