Bush

Comment NOW to Get a Chance to Write my Paper

DOC: Missed ya last week.

LRE: I know, right? Must be rough having to go so long without seeing Larrie.

DOC: Tell me about it.

LRE: I just did.

DOC: Well, how did the surgery go?

LRE: Great. Why don’t you just read my blog yourself and find out?

DOC: Because I don’t actually exist.

LRE: Good to know that you’re finally grasping this concept.

DOC: Yup; I’m an old dog and that’s a new trick.

LRE: Amazing.

DOC: So I was thinking that we could talk about how you’re handling the stress of the holidays.

LRE: Stress? Are you kidding me?

DOC: Um, no. I think I was pretty serious.

LRE: Okay, fine. Perhaps I should be more stressed and that would force me to really sit down and get my final paper written already. Instead of doing it the night before.

DOC: So you’ll never not procrastinate?

LRE: Maybe; watch out with your double negatives.

DOC: Double negatives?

LRE: Don’t worry about it. Just being an English nerd.

DOC: An English nerd who hasn’t written her paper yet.

LRE: Well, it’s just a little bit difficult getting excited over a paper on XML and technical writing. I’ve done some research, but getting to the next step and putting together a first draft just hasn’t happened yet.

DOC: Isn’t it a bit difficult to write a first draft the night before it’s due?

LRE: Perhaps. It just means that the first is very similar to the final draft.

DOC: Good luck getting that published.

LRE: Gee, thanks, mister.

Political Link Cartoon of the Day: “Shouldn’t Somebody Be Rowing?”

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Episode 21: Politics at Work

We’re not talking office politics. And we’re not talking about how many people in IT think Dilbert should run for President. But I’m just wondering… what do I do when the topic of U.S. politics comes up at lunch?

Usually, I’m all for talking politics. BUT (that but is a big disclaimer, people), I prefer to have those discussions with open, respectful people. Some of my coworkers are NEITHER.

If there’s even a hint of anything less than utter disgust for any Republican in the ENTIRE WORLD, they punch a fist through your chest and rip out your soul so it’s easier to yell at it. Clearly, your entire soul is corrupted if you’re not so far left, you’ve forgotten what free society is.

So now that you understand the veracity with which my coworkers attack non-liberals, you understand that I brought this on myself the day I hung a BUSH CALENDAR in my cubicle. Gasp! How could I?

Come on, people. How could I not?! With coworkers that are so extreme in their views, they were just ASKING for somebody to play the total-opposite card in order to invite red-hot fury. How could ANYONE in this UNIVERSE dare to put up a calendar of the evil despot, Bush? Unbelievable. And the reactions were priceless. It didn’t take long before I was even being shunned by a manager from another group in a different department who HAPPENED to stroll by my desk shortly after the calendar went up.

By the end of the day, there were notes and such taped to the calendar. But the best part is what happened the next day.

I came in to work around nine and noticed that the notes that had been taped to the calendar were gone and had been replaced with some new additions: pictures of my coworkers. Now half of the people from my group were also waving with the President and his wife. Before long, the Mighty IT Director came down the row with his Treo, looking to take more pictures and print them up on his laser. It was a SUPERB project for him—cutting them out after and taping them up in a good location on that calendar month’s picture. He, of course, was trying REALLY HARD to get a picture of the manager from the other group / other department because it would really IRK her to be on the SAME CALENDAR AS BUSH.

Yep, he finally got her and every month, I move all of my coworkers to the next month where they hobnob with Bush and sometimes, Laura and Cheney.

THEY LOVE IT!

This may come as a surprise to no one: people think I’m crazy

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Freddy told me. He thinks I’m crazy. Other coworkers around agreed with him. Or at least they didn’t disagree.

Freddy: I read your blog. You’re crazy. What’s it called when you have voices in your head?

McJosh: Schizophrenia.

Freddy: Yeah, that.

Instead of concentrating on that conversation and the fact that the Lead in my group diagnosed my multiple personalities, I concentrated on the fact that it took reading my blog for him to figure that out. Do you know what that means? They actually think that I am normal at work. Man, I’m good.

Reasons why they think that I am normal:

  • My signature on emails looks like all the other SQAs (Software Quality Assurance Testers) in my group – nothing there about the crazies in my head.
  • My desk is just as messy as the other SQAs.
  • I work a 9-5 job.
  • My emails sound quite professional (unless you’re a developer and you tell me to “stand by” for a new release of an application – how could I NOT reply with “standing” and therefore lie about the fact that I was sitting in my ergonomically-happy chair?).
  • My voicemail message sounds fairly normal.
  • MOST people call me Lauren.
  • I wear jeans and a collared-shirt on most days.
  • I type really fast.
  • I stare at the clock waiting for 5pm.
  • Most of my sticky notes posted around my cube are boring and work related (e.g.: “InputString1: String, InputCurrency1: Currency, TFS2358-4490331, TFS2361-4490332 – what? It makes sense to ME).

Reasons why they might not think I’m normal.

  • Sometimes I send emails that say, “Standing…”
  • I check my email at midnight or on vacations.
  • I draw cartoons in meetings about Stacky defenestrating another coworker, Bret.
  • A FEW people call me things other than Lauren – like Skinny, Man-toes, Larrie, and Trashy.
  • I’m really tan.
  • I type really fast.
  • There are the other sticky notes in my cube that say not-so-boring-work-related things (e.g.: “Dear Lauren, I love you. Love, Someone Secret.”).
  • I don’t smoke or drink coffee or alcohol.
  • I rarely swear and am not obsessed with sex.
  • I blog about my normalcy or lack thereof.
  • And a Bush calendar hangs on my cubicle wall with pictures of many of my coworkers taped up next to him; they LOVE being placed so that George puts a loving arm around them!