That time I swiped an Amazon package off of my neighbor’s front porch

I left the car running, Gabbi and Dom waiting for me, and ran up the steps to my neighbors’ front door. I rang the doorbell. I waited. The dog barked inside. The wind blew their fake cobwebs around. I stood sideways. I always stand sideways on doorsteps. I was trained that way. Thanks, door-to-door sales. Nobody answered. The dog stopped barking. I grabbed the box from the porch, carried it down the steps, opened the back of the car and put it in.

It had my name on it, after all. UPS messed up and I knew they did. Earlier in the day, my phone had buzzed, telling me that my Amazon package had been delivered. I opened the front door to grab the box, but the porch was empty. I walked down the long deck to check by the garage. No box. I glanced at neighbors’ porches: not at the Koller’s; not the Richburg’s; not Barbara’s. Nobody stole my box. I knew that. If anybody walks up our deck, we can hear it inside. We don’t need the doorbell fixed because you can’t sneak up that deck.

I contacted Amazon during afternoon nap/quiet time. The man with the accent told me (after I asked “what did you say?” half a dozen times) that he couldn’t take further action until the package was still missing for at least 24 hours. But I knew. I knew that UPS had messed up. I tried the UPS website. It said to contact the shipper. So it goes. I waited. I waited for Dom to come down from quiet time. I waited for him to play on his Kindle. I waited for Gabbi to finish her nap. I waited for her to pee on the potty. I waited for her to eat her snack. I waited for Dom to eat his snack. Then I loaded them up in the car with the enticement of buying snacks and toys to take with us on the airplane (when we fly to Texas). Once buckled in, I backed down the driveway, closing the garage behind us, and drove slowly down the hill, surveying front porches as we went, until I spotted it. There was a long, narrow shipping box sitting on the front porch of one of our new neighbors. I met them once when I was out walking around with my kids. Another day, I took a Starbucks gift card to a baby shower for the expecting wife. They live in Bountiful, but they don’t come to church on Sunday with 99.7654% of their neighbors. Of course UPS had left it on their porch. If anyone saw me, I was the mean Mormon neighbor stealing their packages.

Anyway, I had to tell somebody.

I found my Amazon package. It was on the neighbor’s front porch. I went and grabbed it so now, it has indeed, been safely delivered to my home. Somebody tell UPS that they messed things up. They should be held accountable.

Somehow, we then went on to Target to spend over 70 bucks on snacks and toys for upcoming flights.


  1. It all starts with Amazon packages. Then, you don’t get the same rush anymore. You graduate to getting mail out of mail boxes. Better get some help……soon :-).


  2. That’s nothing. Once we were waiting on a birthday present from Amazon which claimed it was delivered, but it never arrived. So, after a few days, Shannon’s mom called Amazon, declared it lost, and she got her money back. Then, a few days after that, I noticed a package tucked in the screen door of a neighbor who goes weeks at a time without being home. (They have another home somewhere else, or something.) So I stole our package back from their door. To recap: we got the gift, no one paid for it, and we probably got someone in trouble for all of it, too, because they delivered it to 603 instead of 605.


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