8 life skills every Larrie should master

An email I received today informed me that there are “17 life skills every woman must master.” I stopped in to check it out because, words have meaning, and they used MUST. If I couldn’t do these things, and do them well—call myself a master, then how could I possibly call myself a woman?

Instead of analyzing my ability to do THEIR 17 things well, here for you is MY list of 8 skills that I have mastered. So, if you want to be like me (and why WOULDN’T you?) then feel free to perfect these:

  1. How to use social media. Facebook is for stalking friends. Instagram is for pictures of people’s children and/or pets. Twitter is best used to keep tabs on your local politicians because how else will you know who sat next to them in the session three weeks ago? I have no idea what SnapChat really is. LinkedIn is your digital resumé, but it doesn’t look nearly as rad as mine. Use Pinterest to convince others that you have your socks color coordinated, hanging on tiny little hangers on a custom built socks rod in your socks drawer. Google+ is an enigma.
  2. How to read the backs of seed packages. They will tell you when to plant, how to sow them, whether they need sun or shade, and which ones your toddler will eat before you actually harvest them yourself.
  3. How to bring your lunch to work. Let me know if you’ve figured this one out. I suck at it. Why is it on this list?
  4. How to track your money. I have fun with this one because, turns out, I like spreadsheets. It’s important to know, though, how much we spend in each category monthly and whether our accounts are moving towards the positive or negative over time. Then, you can make pretty little charts. Oooo.
  5. How to change a tire. I once tried to change a flat tire on the side of the freeway in Pennsylvania. We couldn’t get the lug nuts to turn though so one of my friends waved down traffic until a guy finally stopped. He couldn’t turn the nuts either. Deb finally got them to turn and we sent the dude on his way because three college girls were better off on our own managing the tire.
  6. How to offer condolences. This is a difficult skill that I’ve been practicing by mimicking others that I think do it well. We overuse and abuse the phrase, “you’re in my prayers,” so I try to focus on just being real and saying, “wow, that sucks; I’m sorry.” I just know that sometimes, I just want somebody else to validate my crappy feelings about the situation by telling me, yeah, it sucks.
  7. How to fire a daycare center. Once upon a time, Dom went to a different daycare and he loved it. We loved it, really. But then, he reached the top of the waiting list (after only two years), and was accepted into the prestigious daycare that is onsite at my work. Why is it prestigious, you ask? Because it’s subsidized. So, we parted ways with his first daycare and do you know how I fired them? I cried. Yep. Mastered that.
  8. How to get a second job. First, make an awesome resumé like you saw above. Second, make a nifty little website all about you. Third, have friends in right places that can recommend you for a sweet freelance gig. Fourth, accept the gig when they call and tell you they were QUITE impressed with your resumé. Fifth, celebrate by purchasing a new PC.
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