I’m Healthy!… in case you were worried

Today at work we had our employee health fair. This usually means that you get an excuse to take an extra break from work and wander around talking to the people who brought in free treats to entice you to stop by at the fair. And on the side, they try and remind you to be healthy.

This year, Huntsman Cancer brought a frightening test. It looked like a mini puppet show stage that had mated with a computer and created this machine where you stick your face inside the curtains and look into a mirror. I don’t know what type of lighting they were using, but I slipped inside and LOOKED LIKE A RED HEAD. Yikes.

Nothing against red heads, folks.

But, I looked like I had been attacked by a disease that gives you a major outbreak of freckles. I almost screamed when I looked into the mirror.

But then I smiled.

And I couldn’t believe how white my teeth were.

They were DAZZLING.

So I decided that I might be willing to turn into an intensely freckled redhead if it meant my teeth were garishly white.

I thought that the Huntsman employee sitting on the other side of the puppetry computer would start to tell me about how bad my skin was. Instead she said, “Considering how pale you are, that’s not bad. All those freckles are sun damage so just pay extra attention to your cheeks and the bridge of your nose.”

So what I learned: I may not be doing so bad putting sunscreen on my face all the time, but I’M PALE.

I had no idea.

The next test I waited for was a hormone test. They used electrodes or something like that to test acupressure points that would determine levels for my thyroid, adrenal gland, etc. Seriously.

Anybody ever heard of this before? From some company called BioMeridian. Their website didn’t tell me much about how it works so I’m assuming it’s similar to the witch doctor. My witch doctor (a.k.a. my chiropractor) uses applied kinesiology where my body gives feedback on things like how my liver doesn’t like orange juice, or when my kidneys were trying to tell me I was in a bad relationship a few years ago. I never would have known without my witch doctor.

Back to BioMeridian. They handed me this metal hand grip, looked like copper, then held this metal tip and pushed on points on my hand and fingers. Then we watched a graph on the computer and it would give a readout of the levels of the hormones in my body.

So much for blood tests.

What I learned: my adrenal glands are low and apparently, lifting weights and any cardio more intense than walking doesn’t help. Too bad adrenal glands. I will not give you a break.

I also learned that my thyroid is “weakened.” I never heard of that as a medical term before so I’m just going to use it as an excuse to take a nap for my afternoon break at work. My thyroid is weakened. Clearly, I need that.

Despite all of this, the nice lady running the test on me looked up and said, “This is the best test I’ve ran all day.” Take THAT adrenal glands. You’re still healthier than all the other people I work with. No need to stop my Body by Pete lifting program.

Last, we also ran blood tests to test our cholesterol, glucose and overall health.

Let me tell you that, MY CHOLESTEROL ROCKS MY KASBAH, THANK YOU MOTHER FOR YOUR GENES. Oh, and I suppose that I do exercise and eat fairly healthy food. So good job to me, too. The only problematic result was my urea nitrogen. Oh dear. I have no idea what that means, but maybe I should just play some more soccer and it will be better. Okay.

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5 comments

  1. Lol. my mom took me to an alternative medicine clinic (aka witch doctor) once where they did the electrode thing on all the pressure points, telling me what organs were in or out of balance…vehemently denying the fact that the “balance” depended on how hard they pushed the electrode onto the point. uh huh. The best part was when they would then hook the one side of the electrode to a pan and drip in herb drops until it came into “balance” on the computer screen. They then mixed the concoction of herbs into a bottle (of 99% alcohol) that they sold to you. I did get over my forever-lasting cold after (maybe it works like Nyquil) but i’m not sure how much it helped my liver and spleen…

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  2. @jarv – mmmmmmmmmmmmmm crown burger. And don’t you love our family genes? Which side of the family did we get herniated discs from?

    @emily – oooooo, it healed your cold? doesn’t nyquil just have alcohol in it, too? maybe we should just start drinking – for health

    @grandma – thanks, love you!

    @mean-yo – when did you get on the computer, cat?

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