25 Random Things about Larrie in the Facebook World

I used to get chain letters when I was a kid that said to send it on to 6 others or else the floor would open up beneath me and swallow me up without giving me a chance to take my blankie. Then, we got them in our emails with more specific death threats about sending the email on to our 35 closest friends in 35 seconds or Yahoo! would sell your password to somebody in India who would hack your eBay account and start selling sewing machines under your name, “highrollerpoehler.”

Now Facebook is in on the game with the 25 random things note. I’ve nearly been tagged by 25 friends so I could then write the note and only tag them back, and avoid passing it along the wicked chain. Of course, you might think that the FB note is less vicious because it comes without stipulations—no deadly swallowing, no stolen eBay identities—only a chance to share strange things about you with all those intimate friends.

So I’m too cool for that, yaknow? Instead, I’m going to write it here on my rockin’ blog and it’s not 25 random things about ME, but 25 random things about Larrie on Facebook. (You can have an entirely different personality in an online world… until your family starts posting hundreds of pictures of you from your childhood and your “friends” will suddenly realize that you didn’t brush your hair much.) Here goes nothing:

25. All my FB friends really care about what I’m doing and thinking and not thinking and not doing right now; so I tell them in my status, which is THIRD PERSON. (Why? Nobody knows.)

24. I joined FB so I could stalk people, but then those people have private profiles; lame.

23. I hope that all of my FB friends have gone through every single picture I’ve been tagged in because I look hot.

22. I hope my mom has gone through every single picture I’ve been tagged in because I’ve been on my best behavior.

21. If the FB had been around during my stint in Provo, I would have more friends that I don’t keep in touch with or care about their statuses.

20. When I’m bored, I try to remember the last names of “friends” I briefly knew so I can find them on FB, add them, and look more popular to other FB friends.

19. I’m just waiting for the chance to be just like Chelsy Davy and announce my breakup with Prince Harry on FB. (What am I waiting for? Somebody to set us up.)

18. I check on all my married friends daily to see if they’re still “Married to so-and-so.”

17. When I encounter said married friends who are experiencing “it’s complicated” relationships, I express my sympathies for their struggles on the always-intimate Wall.

16. Sometimes I’m afraid to get online because “friends” who I may have waved at once in high school hit me up on chat with, “What’s up?” Do they really want me to respond with, “well, let me just tell you what’s been up for the last 10 years since I passed you by the choir room.”

15. If I’d been murdered because of FB, I would have updated my status as such… “Lauren is sad and feeling a bit disembodied because she’s dead now.” I can see the wall posts now, “How sad; can I have your TV?”

14. FB doesn’t tell friends when I’ve dumped them; I’d like somebody to write an application that will do that.

13. Just because FB says it’s my birthday, doesn’t mean you can post on my Wall and count that as a gift.

12. I like to search for pictures of women before and after breast augmentation surgery. Wait, no, I don’t LIKE to do that… it’s a strange obsession that I have never done, but it sounds funny to admit to something like that.

11. As soon as I get a job as a bank intern, I’m going to take a sick day to party as a fairy, leading to my Facebook-induced termination. Wish I’d been the first person to think of that.

10. My boss is not on FB. Sigh.

9. Once, I had one of those “rank your friends” applications and it upset Marissa, but IT’S NOT MY FAULT because the application didn’t properly display her profile picture and I didn’t want to READ all of my friends’ names so I didn’t find her. I got rid of that app (I think).

8. I check on the profile pages of my friends who do have these apps to see what the value of my FB friendship stock is today—ooo, it’s taking some big hits, I need a bailout.


6. I’ve yet to try it, but I’m tempted to post this status: “Lauren really needs money to afford a membership with eHarmony… send it via Paypal, to innocent_energy@lovemail.com.”

5. I joined FB because it’s more private than MySpace… phew.

4. Friends who post “propaganda” on their statuses get removed. It’s a rule. I won’t “have you back.”

3. Just because I didn’t reply to your “ohmygosh, it’s been forEVER” wall post doesn’t mean I don’t like you; it means I don’t KNOW you.

2. You sent me a zombie challenge? AGAIN?

1. Be my friend because you will then have access to all my statuses, all the photos my brothers tag me in, and all the Notes I don’t post.

15 thoughts on “25 Random Things about Larrie in the Facebook World

  1. I don’t need your tv- I call your book and movie collection. Oh, and maybe some art! This is, as usual, one of the best “fb is lame but I will still participate” blog posts EVER…


  2. “23. I hope that all of my FB friends have gone through every single picture I’ve been tagged in because I look hot.”

    Just so happens, I went through many of your pictures last night. You do look hot. Especially the one with your butt sticking out. You know, the one with your friend’s hot boobs? Yeah. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD when I read that! Or you could say I chuckled warmly. Or guffawed. Or snickered. Take your pick of whole word descriptions of how I laughed.

    You really have this FaceBook thing pinned.


  3. @kaakun – so if you die first, I get Arrested Development, if I die first, you get my TV… deal
    @laura – you might have to fight my mom over the largest painting in my collection, good luck… and I hope you have the bookshelf space for the books, ha
    @clancy – loved the laughing descriptions… just so you know, that made me LAUGH OUT LOUD just reading them and acronyms just don’t have that effect on me


  4. I like your version of the 25 things. I really hate Facebook apps. Generally most of Facebook. Probably just so I can see your profile…;)


  5. Ok first of all, I love you. You kill me. Second, I can not tell you how much this made me laugh. I won’t let my facebook friends go over 1,000. I know that seems really high, but I do know a lot of people (that’s what happens when you’re old, went to BYU, served a mission, did EFY, worked at the MTC cafeteria, have moved all over the country, etc etc). You tend to know a lot of people. However, Anytime my facebook friends number goes over 1,000-i delete people (looks like you continue to make the cut). I figure if I didn’t talk to you back then, and I don’t talk to you now…you won’t notice that i’ve deleted you. (well I was called out ONCE by a girl i had deleted. She and I had met at a party 5 months previous, i deleted her, saw her at a dance a couple weeks after that, and she asked why we weren’t friends anymore-oops) To be honest, it kinda weirded me out a bit.

    ok and now onto the birthday pet peeve. You said it best! I actually took my birthday off my profile a couple of days before my birthday just with hopes of avoiding the cop-out expressions of “congratulations, you lived another year, i’m going to acknowledge that today and today only.” But apparently it still showed up on other people’s “notices”…oh well. I guess it could be considered kinda cool that my 6th grade crush sent me a happy birthday…too bad it was 20 years too late.


  6. @kaakun – did you find it?

    @kow – thank you for the clarification… I was a bit confus-ed… oh, and one other reason you’re on facebook: to read when we “quote” you from our sadie’s video

    @tiff – amen, sister… I’m pretty darn sure I will NEVER hit 1,000 fb friends, but sometimes, I delete people just cuz, then they add me again, grr.
    and thanks for the good times for you birthday! it was a mighty blast, I’ll have you know


  7. Uh Laur, did you steal my list of 25 things so I can look cool to all my closest friends on facebook? Now what am I going to say….
    Oh wait, I won’t say anything.. much better.


  8. @megs – I did, I came all the way up to Canadia and stole this from you… all of it. And this is me apologizing now. Do you forgive me?


  9. I like this in your comments section:

    “[…] 25 Random Things about Larrie in the Facebook World reddit_url=’http://www.baby-parenting.com/baby/search_babynames.php?babyname=Marissa&gender=Male’ reddit_title=’Baby names search – Search for Marissa’ […]
    by Baby names search – Search for Marissa February 9, 2009 at 11:21 pm”


  10. @marissa – first off, random comment about marissa the male baby name
    I’m not stupid… I was in love with his brother instead and that’s just not fair to harry


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