I’m not that old… I’m really 23.5

I work at a company that is very health-conscientious. This is a good thing as I would be very poor without good health insurance. (Don’t get me wrong though; this doesn’t meant that I LIKE insurance companies.) Today was the first day of our on-site Health Fair and so I stopped by after lunch for some snacks, to taste-test bread, check the oxygen level in my blood, have a look-see at my body fat %, test the ol’ eyes and to get my test results from some blood work.

The wait for the test results, however, was too long and I left. Don’t worry, though, I still got my results by simply looking them up in “my” application. (I own it because I test it so therefore, it’s MINE, ALL MINE.) Working for a company in healthcare means you can look up your own results. Who needs doctors when I can self-diagnose so easily with a little help from my friend, Google?

Once I had my results, I went to a new web application that my company has signed up for. It’s a personal wellness profile catered to each individual employee. My favorite part was the banner at the top. Looks like this:

Apparently, they forgot to upload a company-specific banner, but I doubt many will notice, if any besides myself. (What does that say about me?)

After answering questions and entering my test results, the application gave me my wellness score: EXCELLENT. And then it gave me my age: 23.5.

Clearly, I’m a very MATURE, and EXPERIENCED 23.5-year old with a great career and a cute little condo. Way to go ME. And now when my chiropractor (and many others) tell me that I look young for my age, I’ll tell them it’s because I AM.

Here’s what else I learned about me from my personal wellness profile:

• My nutrition is “at risk.” I believe this is because I cook with butter. Mmmm, butter. I CHOOSE TO CONTINUE TO EAT “AT RISK” FOOD.
• I should aim for less than four sick days per year, but I didn’t manage that last year. I BLAME MY TOE.
• I’m supposed to sleep more. DUH.
• I have a higher chance of developing osteoporosis than others because I’m white. Time to drink more white milk.
• The application gave me suggestions to prevent falls—keep rooms well lighted at night, handrails in tub/shower, no loose rugs (but they misspelled loose)—although they offered ZERO suggestions on how to prevent falls playing indoor soccer.

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